Is it silly that I'm this sad over a cat? No, I don't think so. She was my friend for 13 years- I got her the day after Halloween when I was 7. I haven't technically lived in the same house as her since I left for college, but she was always there. Lots of things changed- I went through 3 houses, 4 schools,  the death of my mother and the remarriage of my father- but she stayed the same. 

I'll miss you, baby.

Today is not a good day for  me and my self-esteem.

The only freaking reason I'm a biology major is because I'm supposed to be smart- and apparently I'm not. I don't think I'm good enough for the summer internships I'm looking at, let along graduate school.

And speaking of graduate school, the thought of coming up with my own research TERRIFIES me to no end. I don't think I can do it! 

But if I don't, what will I do?

What do I do?

A post broken up into the things that are on my mind right now.

-I can feel us slipping away... there's no we anymore, at least not sincerely. I only feel judgement, annoyance, or apathy from you. And it hurts because I love you so much, but I think you just don't care as much anymore. And you don't need to... I don't know if I wish you did, or if I wish I didn't need to either.

-I am never as confident as people think I am. I don't think anyone realizes how truly self-conscious I am at my core, and how one little thing sentence can either derail or elate me.

-I spend so much time trying to be and wishing I was more "sexy," but I'm most insecure when I'm all dolled up. And even though last weekend was fun... that isn't what I want. Being seen as sexy didn't make me happy. I don't just want drunken craziness... I want the sweet; I think I like laughs more than passion. 

-I have made myself ok with being alone, because I am most of the time, but God, is it getting hard. I have to throw up so many walls just to survive it that I'm afraid I won't be able to knock them down if someone comes along who wants to fix the loneliness. 

There's more, but a lot of my upset-ness stems from being tired, and I'll regret any more angstiness when I wake up in the morning.