i've had anxiety attacks before

but never one that lasted 4 days

this

fucking

sucks.

i know what triggers them mostly now, though.  too bad the solution lies completely in another person. 

as lonely as i am, and as much as i've bitched about being single, THIS is why i've stayed that way. it's no one's fault but my own that i'm alone, because every time i try i either get fucked over or i fuck everything up and i spend a weekend hyperventilating instead of sleeping and having literal pains in my chest and leaving for a 6 hour drive home at 2 in the morning because i know i'm not going to be able to sleep anyway and i just want to get back here to you but you don't want to talk to me anymore because of the afore-mentioned fucking up that i did.   

this is the worst physical manifestation of an emotional problem i've had. plus, it's fucking mother's day.  

YES UNIVERSE, KICK ME IN THE FACE HARDER PLEASE. 

i will KILL my fucking body.

seriously, there could not be a worse time for me to be hormonal and emotional and crazy because it's causing a toooooooooootal freakout. 

on my way to hyperventilation. i need to work on my courage and communication skills.

Thank you, Leslie Nolte, for believing in me and fighting for me. I think you're one of the only people in a long time to do that. 

If only I could do that for myself. Then I wouldn't be in this mess right now.

Lots to think about and cry over tonight.